Benefits of Chemo
I'm trying to gear myself up for chemo-- so I've been making a list of good things about chemo.
1. No more bad hair days! (As a matter of fact-- no more hair days period!)
2. Pesky mosquitos won't bite me! (They don't like the toxins in my skin from the chemo)
3. I might get to smoke pot to manage being sick all the time. (Well, I'm not sure if that's legal here in NC, but a girl can hope, right?)
4. I might lose a little weight. (I have been meaning to dorp a few pounds!)
So, I guess I just need to look at the bright side, right?
Can you feel the sarcasm?
Cancer Sucks
I decided I needed a creative outlet for my thoughts and feelings. It's hard to hold all this stuff in, you know?
I have cancer. Not just any cancer. Stage 3 borderline epithelial ovarian cancer. Most people don't know what it is.
And I am mad. I have so many things I could be mad about, but today, the topic is babies.
In order to remove the tumor, my doctor completed a full hysterectomy. He took anything that wasn't nailed down. Now, to be fair, I had been told a long time ago that I could not bear children. But, I still had hope. Hope that God is bigger than doctors. Hope that God knows how much I want to bear my OWN child. But, now---without the right parts, I'll never be able to have a child. It's kind of like knowing a car has a dead battery, but hoping it will start anyway. Once you remove the battery, you know for sure it won't start.
I feel defective. I feel like I've been robbed. I'm 33 years old.
My sister is pregnant. I'm so happy for her I could bust. She and her husband will make great parents. However, there is this part of me--- this part I hate about me--- that is so jealous. This part of me that wants to know WHY?!?!?! and HOW?!?!??! How does God decide who gets to have babies? Why does God pick this person or that person?
My father doesn't understand. He wants to know when I'm going to 'get over' not being able to have children. I've tried to explain it to him. He doesn't get it, and I don't think he ever will. I think my husband understands, but I also think his faith is bigger than mine. He doesn't seem to question anything.
I can't write anymore--- my keyboard is all wet.
Holly
